Lover Without a Lover

What have you learned from just attending school

I learned how hypocritical people can be sometimes. School is like a mini society that prepares you for the ugliness of the real world.

An afternoon no different than any other, I was walking down the hallway after class. My friends and I were chitchatting about how reluctant we were to go outside because of the cold weather.

My gaze swept across the crowded place and there you were. Standing there, hands hidden in the pockets of your black coat, talking with two other people. I often wondered, after the last time you chose to speak to me, when would be the next time we would see each other again. Well, now I have my answer, today was the day I saw you again. 

(but I am not really sure if you saw me, too)

What happened between us was silly and immature. You were the rebel, the anti-conformist, the artist, the one that judged all. I was naive and ungrateful. Maybe you cut me out of your life out of angst and frustration and impulsiveness, but it appears that we have forgotten each other just fine.

I wanted to go up and say hi, but I was afraid of how you would react. Would you still be mad at what happened ?

And now I’m left here to wonder, when would be the next time we would see each other again ?

Here I am again, having succumbed to peer pressure, sitting in this noisy cafeteria and listening to you talk unceasingly about yourself, watching your mouth move as you speak.

“So my boyfriend’s sister’s friend’s cousin is doing this thing with this other guy who was once in love with me … “

You lost me at about the third syllable of your sentence. Yet here I am again, falling back into the high school pattern, sitting and having lunch with people I feel practically nothing about. I thought university would be about independence and autonomy, about making my personality shine. But no.

So I just sit here, trying to see if the others are as bored as I am. They nod along and make sympathizing sounds like “awww” and “aaah” and “umm”. And there is also her, chuckling nervously and insecurely to everything you say, seeking your approval to become your recruit, for reasons I completely ignore.

So I look back to you, and try to seem as interested as I possibly could. Not because I want to please you, but because I remembered my mother telling me about the necessity of dealing with people I dislike in order to function in this world.

But I know I have failed miserably at masking myself, judging from your raised eyebrow.

I am not gonna lie, it feels absolutely awful to fail to achieve a life goal. I know there will be a second chance, but seeing so many around me who actually did succeed… It destroys my self-esteem.

I know I could do it. I just need the strength, the faith, the determination. I just pray, cross my fingers and cross my heart that physiotherapy is going to accept me from their waiting list so at least I could study in the health sciences…

Life is just getting more difficult from now on, so much responsibilities. I am not a child anymore.